Essay written for Freshman Writing Composition Class. Gender-neutral
Full Circle or Straight Line?
I sit and wonder. I am sad. So many feelings I want to convey, so many voices in my head; they all just keep slipping in and out. I recently ended a relationship, and began a new one, thus the reasons for my bewilderment. When I first went out with my x, things were so great. I do not now remember them as such because things were not good for such a longer time. I do remember that it was always fun to discuss later on in our relationship how much fun we had in the beginning...not that we never had fun after that, but the best of times seemed to be over.
Meeting someone for the first time is always very stressful, but to me in such a nice way. Those first few times of “courting” are awkward, but exciting. You are so worried about what the other person thinks about you, yet you are trying to be yourself--knowing that you want the other person to like you for you. And, while all of this is going on, you’re still thinking about whether or not you like the other person.
Then, you begin to get to know the other person. These are the best of times. You hear their life story, and you enjoy sharing past experiences, and telling your tales, that’s what getting to know eachother is all about. You are doing just that. Your first few experiences are the best. You go out on dates, or walk around, it doesn’t matter, you have fun no matter what. When you finally kiss, that ever-so-awkward moment is so blissful. The first kiss is usually weird because the two new kissers are always out of sync, but the first one is always so magical. Then, you begin to kiss more often and in the beginning, that’s all you do. As far as you’re concerned, you’d be satisfied going no further with whomever you’re with. Kissing is fabulous. And, when you’re not kissing, because you still don’t know eachother completely yet, those chats between kisses are always so nice. Themes of trying to “figure eachother out” seem to be brought up a lot because you are still “getting to know eachother” and aren’t always aware at any instance what the other is thinking...thus, many times the phrase “what are you thinking about?” often comes up. Nothing is expected, everything is new and that’s what is so fun about it...you are so unsure and it is so exciting.
This seems to be the prelude to most relationships, at least the ones I’ve had. The sad thing is, and the thing that is making me sad is that most relationships never last. I mean, you’re only going to be with one person forever and how many x’s will you have? Far more. I suppose it is all worth it in the end, and without all those x’s, you would never find out if the one you are with is the best one. One presented solution is to just keep dating, and thus, the prelude lasts forever, sort of. But this prelude, at least in my case is so time consuming and revealing. I tend to tell all to whomever I’m with. This may be my problem. This may be the reason why the feelings seem to never last--those who don’t tend to open up sort of save their deepest feelings for later, thus prolonging the “getting to know eachother” process. I on the other hand, tell all and tend to get all in return in a short period of time. Thus, the “getting to know eachother” stage is shorter, but by far more intense. Thus, I hate to just end it there. I want the prelude to be just that--a prelude to bigger and better things. I am so open and almost demand the same from whomever I am with that we really get to know eachother.
After getting to know the x, we had some good times still; but all the romance seemed to be in the beginning. New experiences were the best. Every step along the physical relationship brought another feeling of closeness, but after the final step was taken, there seemed to be nowhere else to go. Things became more and more boring. We knew eachother too well or something, so predictable, so unromantic. We had peaked and were dropping down, until the inevitable breakup. This makes me wonder if that would be the peak in any relationship. I hope not; things have got to be better.
Now, with a new interest, I am again starting to feel those beginning feelings I have had before. They seemed to take longer to happen though. I think I must have been apprehensive about feeling that way again because I didn’t want to be hurt. After the breakup, I seemed to find anyone who would even say “hi” to me as attractive and someone I would like to get to know. The one I am with now, however is the first person I share these “preoccupied feelings” with. I don’t feel at all like this relationship is rebound; because now, at this point, I am starting to get those strange “lovesick” feelings again--sort of. I remember from my x relationship in the beginning, the feelings of having no appetite at all, and that facet is not as intensein this new experience. I am more distracted now than I was before, so that is different. I was told that I will never have another relationship like I did with my x, and I didn’t understand at first. Now, I see that things are different, and I really do not know what will happen with my current relationship, but unfortunately sometimes I have a pessimistic outlook. I was so in love with my x that I thought we would be together forever. My love for my x came so early too, and seemed to me to last so long. I now seem to recall the bad things more because we are broken up. I sort of want to repress the good ones because of the new relationship, but I know we had such great experiences. The x meant so much to me. I would get so jealous over everything. If the x would tell me something so trivial, like anything about another person of the opposite sex, I would get a feeling in my stomach like I got the wind knocked out of me. In the end however, when I got cheated on, I didn’t care; I turned to the physical relationship to relieve it. If the sex was ok, then it didn’t matter. What kind of relationship had that become? How could I be so in love with someone and then have it turn to that?
Now, I look at my current relationship and sometimes I think that I am not as intensely into the person I am with. It’s not that I don't like this person, but sometimes I seem to think that nothing could ever work if my last one didn’t work. I am sort of being cautious. But, I don’t think I should think this way because there are so many other ways that I like who I am with now better than I can remember liking about my x, and the two are so different that it is stupid to compare them. But, there are so many factors that lead me to be cautious:
First of all, I felt that I was myself with my x all the time, and the fact that it didn’t work leads me to think that being myself is not good. Sometimes I am tempted to take the same roads I did with my x with who I’m seeing now. However, there is a voice in my head telling me not to because last time these things might have contributed to the break-up. Yet, in stopping myself from anything I am not being myself, yet I am being myself because that little voice is experience and what I learned from the last two years of my life. Two clichés come to mind that I am tending to adopt in a fatalistic approach toward life: there are no mistakes in life, only lessons; and no two people are alike. These thoughts lead me to feel that the person I am with now may accept and even like things about me that my x didn’t.
Second, I believe that we are all destined for one person...or at least I am. To me the one person is someone whom I would do anything for and who would do anything for me. We would have such a deep mutual respect. Also, the person would be in my eyes attractive, of course physically, but a strange thing happened to me this time. In my last relationship I had always found my x attractive before we were going out. However, the first few times I was with my current interest, I wasn’t immediately overwhelmed by physical attractiveness. I mean, I was attracted, but not enthralled. My opinion has changed drastically as we’ve been together more--something that is strange because I never thought physical attraction could change as you got to know a person. At any rate, I was made aware of the fact by who I am now dating that we all have in our minds the “picture of the perfect mate.” Well, then I am told that who I am seeing now likes big chests. The fact was brought up that their x had a big chest and I thought about how mine was of mere average size. This made me sad. With this in mind, maybe we come to finally be with our “perfect mate” and maybe my current interest’s “perfect mate” has a big chest--which leaves me out. This is so distressing. It is as if I have in my head that it could never work because of this physical attraction. Me, I like long hair and blue eyes, but the person I am seeing has neither. Distressing, thinking that I am destined for someone with long hair and deep blue eyes. It’s weird to ponder about things like this. Considering this hypothesis, it is as if it is all just a waste. It is as if this relationship is bound to end, so there is no point in becoming attached. This sounds absurd, but I still wonder.
Now as I grow older and more mature (not old and still not mature yet), I am finding more in relationships and it is overtaking me. I thought about how with most people I have looked at, while my friends are looking at certain sex-related physical endowments, I am looking at eyes and smile. And, I’m more and more basing relationships on an emotional level. I am also no longer letting others influence me. For a while in dating there was a time for me when I cared what everyone else thought about a certain person, and I guess you’ll have that in high school. Now it’s just me and whomever I am with.
I just want someone I can be happy with forever, did I mention that? That is the key to what we all want. I don’t want to date everyone. I just want one person to love forever. I want to be loved back also. Part of me wants to keep the games of “getting to eachother” going, but part of me just wants to get past all that and get things going to honestly see if we could last. The getting to know eachother seems to be a waste of time if we aren’t going to be together, but it makes me happy so I am so torn...and frustrated. Sometimes I say that I am not happy, but I know that I am far happier now than I would be with nobody, and far more happy now than I was with my x. The person I’m seeing now once couldn’t decide if they wanted me or just a relationship. Either way, this person is happier with me than without, so would it be so bad if I just happened to be in the right place at the right time? Maybe I am overanalyzing everything.
Sometimes I think of where I am with my current relationship right now. I just broke up like a month ago. I know in my heart that I have feelings for who I am with now. I was told, however that “rebound” relationships don’t work, and you don’t know that they are “rebound” relationships. It is really hard to say where I am at, except that I feel that this is definitely not a rebound relationship. The person I am going out with now said that I was the first person they had kissed since their x, which had been about six months ago. Am I the rebound relationship? Also, what exactly defines one?
The person I’m now seeing said that in their last relationship they would often break up but end getting back together, guessing that it was because they were both lonely. I guess that this means that they couldn’t find anyone else so the answer was eachother. Now that it’s been six months, I wonder if the loneliness is being satisfied by me. But that is so hard to believe because we both know we could both probably find another relationship if we were desperate for one, so maybe it is good after all and I need not be worried about this point, because we are both in the same boat it seems, and how we feel is mutual, whichever way we feel...
I do have some optimistic feelings: I have a fatalistic approach toward life. One might say that that is actually rather pessimistic. However, this fatalism keeps me myself. I feel that the one I finally come to settle with will love me for me, so anybody I am with at any time is going to get me 100%. And, if they can’t accept that, then they can’t accept me. I feel that I am destined for a perfect lover. My definition of this person will not be set until after I find them, so all that long hair, blue eyes nonsense means nothing, and in the same regard (I’m hoping) big chests mean nothing also.
Something I’d like to say in conclusion, though there is never a conclusion until death, but there is a perfect person in my life. I want to meet the person ASAP, I think....but do they want me ASAP? I think of where I am now, and everybody does it, well I can’t generalize, but I do, but I wonder if my current interest is that perfect lover. Of course, in this such an early stage of knowing eachother, it would be absurd to judge, but what if I think this person is someday and they don’t? I would be hurt, but it is optimistic fatalism that would keep me going.
**This essay was purposely written in a fashion that the reader couldn’t tell which gender the writer was, but I have to say it is all truly autobiographical, even the big chests part!
Meeting someone for the first time is always very stressful, but to me in such a nice way. Those first few times of “courting” are awkward, but exciting. You are so worried about what the other person thinks about you, yet you are trying to be yourself--knowing that you want the other person to like you for you. And, while all of this is going on, you’re still thinking about whether or not you like the other person.
Then, you begin to get to know the other person. These are the best of times. You hear their life story, and you enjoy sharing past experiences, and telling your tales, that’s what getting to know eachother is all about. You are doing just that. Your first few experiences are the best. You go out on dates, or walk around, it doesn’t matter, you have fun no matter what. When you finally kiss, that ever-so-awkward moment is so blissful. The first kiss is usually weird because the two new kissers are always out of sync, but the first one is always so magical. Then, you begin to kiss more often and in the beginning, that’s all you do. As far as you’re concerned, you’d be satisfied going no further with whomever you’re with. Kissing is fabulous. And, when you’re not kissing, because you still don’t know eachother completely yet, those chats between kisses are always so nice. Themes of trying to “figure eachother out” seem to be brought up a lot because you are still “getting to know eachother” and aren’t always aware at any instance what the other is thinking...thus, many times the phrase “what are you thinking about?” often comes up. Nothing is expected, everything is new and that’s what is so fun about it...you are so unsure and it is so exciting.
This seems to be the prelude to most relationships, at least the ones I’ve had. The sad thing is, and the thing that is making me sad is that most relationships never last. I mean, you’re only going to be with one person forever and how many x’s will you have? Far more. I suppose it is all worth it in the end, and without all those x’s, you would never find out if the one you are with is the best one. One presented solution is to just keep dating, and thus, the prelude lasts forever, sort of. But this prelude, at least in my case is so time consuming and revealing. I tend to tell all to whomever I’m with. This may be my problem. This may be the reason why the feelings seem to never last--those who don’t tend to open up sort of save their deepest feelings for later, thus prolonging the “getting to know eachother” process. I on the other hand, tell all and tend to get all in return in a short period of time. Thus, the “getting to know eachother” stage is shorter, but by far more intense. Thus, I hate to just end it there. I want the prelude to be just that--a prelude to bigger and better things. I am so open and almost demand the same from whomever I am with that we really get to know eachother.
After getting to know the x, we had some good times still; but all the romance seemed to be in the beginning. New experiences were the best. Every step along the physical relationship brought another feeling of closeness, but after the final step was taken, there seemed to be nowhere else to go. Things became more and more boring. We knew eachother too well or something, so predictable, so unromantic. We had peaked and were dropping down, until the inevitable breakup. This makes me wonder if that would be the peak in any relationship. I hope not; things have got to be better.
Now, with a new interest, I am again starting to feel those beginning feelings I have had before. They seemed to take longer to happen though. I think I must have been apprehensive about feeling that way again because I didn’t want to be hurt. After the breakup, I seemed to find anyone who would even say “hi” to me as attractive and someone I would like to get to know. The one I am with now, however is the first person I share these “preoccupied feelings” with. I don’t feel at all like this relationship is rebound; because now, at this point, I am starting to get those strange “lovesick” feelings again--sort of. I remember from my x relationship in the beginning, the feelings of having no appetite at all, and that facet is not as intensein this new experience. I am more distracted now than I was before, so that is different. I was told that I will never have another relationship like I did with my x, and I didn’t understand at first. Now, I see that things are different, and I really do not know what will happen with my current relationship, but unfortunately sometimes I have a pessimistic outlook. I was so in love with my x that I thought we would be together forever. My love for my x came so early too, and seemed to me to last so long. I now seem to recall the bad things more because we are broken up. I sort of want to repress the good ones because of the new relationship, but I know we had such great experiences. The x meant so much to me. I would get so jealous over everything. If the x would tell me something so trivial, like anything about another person of the opposite sex, I would get a feeling in my stomach like I got the wind knocked out of me. In the end however, when I got cheated on, I didn’t care; I turned to the physical relationship to relieve it. If the sex was ok, then it didn’t matter. What kind of relationship had that become? How could I be so in love with someone and then have it turn to that?
Now, I look at my current relationship and sometimes I think that I am not as intensely into the person I am with. It’s not that I don't like this person, but sometimes I seem to think that nothing could ever work if my last one didn’t work. I am sort of being cautious. But, I don’t think I should think this way because there are so many other ways that I like who I am with now better than I can remember liking about my x, and the two are so different that it is stupid to compare them. But, there are so many factors that lead me to be cautious:
First of all, I felt that I was myself with my x all the time, and the fact that it didn’t work leads me to think that being myself is not good. Sometimes I am tempted to take the same roads I did with my x with who I’m seeing now. However, there is a voice in my head telling me not to because last time these things might have contributed to the break-up. Yet, in stopping myself from anything I am not being myself, yet I am being myself because that little voice is experience and what I learned from the last two years of my life. Two clichés come to mind that I am tending to adopt in a fatalistic approach toward life: there are no mistakes in life, only lessons; and no two people are alike. These thoughts lead me to feel that the person I am with now may accept and even like things about me that my x didn’t.
Second, I believe that we are all destined for one person...or at least I am. To me the one person is someone whom I would do anything for and who would do anything for me. We would have such a deep mutual respect. Also, the person would be in my eyes attractive, of course physically, but a strange thing happened to me this time. In my last relationship I had always found my x attractive before we were going out. However, the first few times I was with my current interest, I wasn’t immediately overwhelmed by physical attractiveness. I mean, I was attracted, but not enthralled. My opinion has changed drastically as we’ve been together more--something that is strange because I never thought physical attraction could change as you got to know a person. At any rate, I was made aware of the fact by who I am now dating that we all have in our minds the “picture of the perfect mate.” Well, then I am told that who I am seeing now likes big chests. The fact was brought up that their x had a big chest and I thought about how mine was of mere average size. This made me sad. With this in mind, maybe we come to finally be with our “perfect mate” and maybe my current interest’s “perfect mate” has a big chest--which leaves me out. This is so distressing. It is as if I have in my head that it could never work because of this physical attraction. Me, I like long hair and blue eyes, but the person I am seeing has neither. Distressing, thinking that I am destined for someone with long hair and deep blue eyes. It’s weird to ponder about things like this. Considering this hypothesis, it is as if it is all just a waste. It is as if this relationship is bound to end, so there is no point in becoming attached. This sounds absurd, but I still wonder.
Now as I grow older and more mature (not old and still not mature yet), I am finding more in relationships and it is overtaking me. I thought about how with most people I have looked at, while my friends are looking at certain sex-related physical endowments, I am looking at eyes and smile. And, I’m more and more basing relationships on an emotional level. I am also no longer letting others influence me. For a while in dating there was a time for me when I cared what everyone else thought about a certain person, and I guess you’ll have that in high school. Now it’s just me and whomever I am with.
I just want someone I can be happy with forever, did I mention that? That is the key to what we all want. I don’t want to date everyone. I just want one person to love forever. I want to be loved back also. Part of me wants to keep the games of “getting to eachother” going, but part of me just wants to get past all that and get things going to honestly see if we could last. The getting to know eachother seems to be a waste of time if we aren’t going to be together, but it makes me happy so I am so torn...and frustrated. Sometimes I say that I am not happy, but I know that I am far happier now than I would be with nobody, and far more happy now than I was with my x. The person I’m seeing now once couldn’t decide if they wanted me or just a relationship. Either way, this person is happier with me than without, so would it be so bad if I just happened to be in the right place at the right time? Maybe I am overanalyzing everything.
Sometimes I think of where I am with my current relationship right now. I just broke up like a month ago. I know in my heart that I have feelings for who I am with now. I was told, however that “rebound” relationships don’t work, and you don’t know that they are “rebound” relationships. It is really hard to say where I am at, except that I feel that this is definitely not a rebound relationship. The person I am going out with now said that I was the first person they had kissed since their x, which had been about six months ago. Am I the rebound relationship? Also, what exactly defines one?
The person I’m now seeing said that in their last relationship they would often break up but end getting back together, guessing that it was because they were both lonely. I guess that this means that they couldn’t find anyone else so the answer was eachother. Now that it’s been six months, I wonder if the loneliness is being satisfied by me. But that is so hard to believe because we both know we could both probably find another relationship if we were desperate for one, so maybe it is good after all and I need not be worried about this point, because we are both in the same boat it seems, and how we feel is mutual, whichever way we feel...
I do have some optimistic feelings: I have a fatalistic approach toward life. One might say that that is actually rather pessimistic. However, this fatalism keeps me myself. I feel that the one I finally come to settle with will love me for me, so anybody I am with at any time is going to get me 100%. And, if they can’t accept that, then they can’t accept me. I feel that I am destined for a perfect lover. My definition of this person will not be set until after I find them, so all that long hair, blue eyes nonsense means nothing, and in the same regard (I’m hoping) big chests mean nothing also.
Something I’d like to say in conclusion, though there is never a conclusion until death, but there is a perfect person in my life. I want to meet the person ASAP, I think....but do they want me ASAP? I think of where I am now, and everybody does it, well I can’t generalize, but I do, but I wonder if my current interest is that perfect lover. Of course, in this such an early stage of knowing eachother, it would be absurd to judge, but what if I think this person is someday and they don’t? I would be hurt, but it is optimistic fatalism that would keep me going.
**This essay was purposely written in a fashion that the reader couldn’t tell which gender the writer was, but I have to say it is all truly autobiographical, even the big chests part!
Copyright 2013 R.E.D.